Recurring Dreams

I keep having these dreams.

They aren't the same exact dream. Totally different stuff happens each time. But they always begin the same, they always end the same, and they always involve the same place and person. I've had these dreams for almost a year, but they were spaced out. This week, I've woken up from them every single night. It's a little upsetting.

I go to sleep, and then I wake up. I either wake up in my old bedroom at my old house, or I wake up in my Mom's bedroom. When I first wake up, I'm a little disconcerted. I know I live in an apartment across town. My dogs are there. My clothes are there. I need to go take a shower there. Why did I decide to stay at my old house for the night? I should go.

But then my Mom is there. I chat with her like old times. Talking about anything. There's usually a bunch of cats or kitties around. They move about all slowly. If they pass by us or roll onto their backs near us, we'll tickle their bellies or scratch an ear.

I then feel a little guilty for deciding to live on my own all the way across town. And it seems a lot farther away than it really is. I love my apartment, but I need to go soon. I can't leave my dogs there stuck in a cage all morning. Before I go, I ask Mom if she needs anything done. Do I need to bag up some trash? Rake the yard? Does she have any new home improvement projects going on? Last night she wanted to me to help her replant the pear tree.

So I get up out of the bed or couch or wherever I was conversing with Mom. I'll try to do something normal before leaving the room. Something that doesn't quite work out. Like last night I wanted to turn the bedroom lights on. So I go to one corner of the room. I flip some switches. All they do is make multiple fans turn at different speeds. I then put my hand through a door to the bathroom and flip switches there. Same results except this time the bathroom exhaust fan thing turns on and off. I go across the room to a different set of switches. It seems like one row of five switches with clothes hanging on the wall concealing anything above them. All the switches don't work. I lift up the bottom of the clothes and find another row. I flip those. I look up at the ceiling. Instead of one light and two fans like I was suspecting would be up there, there were three fans with lights hanging off of them, and a ton of little spotlights all over the ceiling. Still looking up at the lights, I move my hand higher behind the clothes and find another row. I flip one switch and all the lights come on and then quickly fade off.

My frustration goes away and I look back at Mom. I tell her, "You know, I think we are still dreaming. Do you want to try to wake up?" She smiles at me and nods. I close my eyes and try to move my real body. It works. I jerk myself awake and and I'm back at my apartment. At first, I'm pleased with myself. I was right. We were dreaming. But then I realize with a small shock that Mom is dead. I can never talk about my apartment with her, or have silly philosophical arguments with her, or help her out again. For an instant I want to cry. Then I fully wake up and I'm over it.

I really don't mind having dreams about Mom. I just wish it wouldn't so often be the 'last' dream and that I'd wake up to that shock of her gone. I know I've been missing talking to her more lately which is why I'm prolly dreaming about her more lately, but this is turning into a cycle. My dreams remind me of her which is causing more dreams.

This has really got to stop. :(

Currently: Reading another Jim Butcher book. It's the last one. What am I going to do after I finish it?

Ciao Momma!

Momma left us yesterday.

It was a real beautiful passing. I held a hand. Her friends held her other hand. People were holding her ankles and touching her legs. As she took her last few breaths we sang her favorite hymn. Two minutes after she went, my brother finally pulled up. He almost made it in time.

Things are getting put together. Best that can be done I guess.

My only twangs are when I'm shopping or something and I feel this incredible urge to call Mom up and ask her opinion on something. I feel abandoned almost. She was my best friend.

Currently: Listnin' to Dashboard Confessional XP

Aye! It Be A Pirates Life Fer Me!

So.

Mommers is living her last few days pain free. She's cracking us up with some of the things she says, though. Like this morning, I woke up at 4am because Mom woke up at 4am. We talked and talked. Mostly crazy talk. But whatever. It was going okay until the hot sauce king got up. He gets up around 4:30 and leaves for work at 5. On his way out the door she started yelling at him.

"HSK! Go do the wild thing! GO do the WILD thing! GOOO DOOOO the WILD THING! HSK! HSK! Go do the wild thing! WHAT!!! Is she not pretty enough for you!?! GO DO THE WILD THING!"

"Gotta' go to work now, mom, see you later!" as he slams the front door.

"GO DO THE WILD THING! HSK! GO DO THE WILD THING!"
(HSK = Hot Sauce King = Brother's name of which I'm not permissed to tell)

I was on the floor totally unable to breath from laughing so hard.

She's not expected to live but four or five more days. I'm okay with it. Not freaking out or anything. But I sure will miss her.

Currently: unsuccessfully multitasking

Quickly Now Because I Haven't Much Time

Pfft.

I drove over to Louisiana all by my lonesome and got my car back. It was found in good condition behind a house in Bossier City. The brakes are complete mush and they junked out the inside with food wrappers and bread crumbs. -.- The only thing I know about the dude is that he spoke spanish (three spanish cds found), he's messy (grossness), and he's an idiot (he stole my car :P).

Mom's here with me now. She's on Hospice and I'm doing my best to keep her comfortable at home. It's a lot of work. I'm bored. I'm achey. And I'm a bit lonely. I'm keeping mom doped up on pain pills, so all I have for company is books. Mom gets tons of visitors, but they only stay a few minutes or they're trying to help with someone so that it just feels harried whenever someone is over. I still don't want to be online during the day even though I'm back home. There are so many phone calls, I can't see it being a good thing keeping the phone line busy.

You Are From Jupiter

You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness. Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions. Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom. Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that. If you do, you'll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.

What Planet Are You From?

You've Experienced 36% of Life

You have the life experience of someone in their early 20s. You've seen some of what life has to offer - but you have a long ways to go.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Currently: Moping

Thumpity

So that heat thing... our compressor went out. Got it changed out by a friend the other day and uh... he hasn't asked for any money yet.

I'm going with a friend to check out nursing care facilities for Mom later. They released her the other day, got her home, couldn't handle certain things, had to call the paramedics to help us out, and now she's back in the hospital. Various doctors and nurses can't believe that they tried to send her home instead of down to rehab. o_O

And... I seem to be incredibly busy doing very little at all. Maintaining the house, visiting mom, handling bills, uh... normal adultish stuff. (Eek, when did I become an adult? O_O) And I'm considering this my vacation too. It is SO relaxing to not have to get up every five seconds to retrieve this, pick up that, help move her and her stuff to this room, help move her and her stuff to that room, wake up several times a night to calm things down, and deal with her steroids making her evil and telling me I'm worthless and never do anything but hang out on the comp. Yeah.

Currently: Waiting for a new neo day.

Steamyness Pshhhhh

It is SO HOT!!!!

It's like 105 outside and probably 99 inside... we have no insulation in this house and the temperature gauge doesn't go past 90, so I don't know.

What's really funny is the dogs. Buster has his mouth wide open, tongue hanging out, and keeps going back and forth to the fan and the water not quite deciding where he'd like to be. Cinnamon, the ever playful puppy, is rolling around on her back in front of the fan, legs all spread out like she's making and x, and taking nibbles at my toes.

I made a mermaid today. Go check it out at deviantart. XD

Mom's in the hospital again. Turns out she has diabetes. A normal range of blood sugar levels is like 90 to 160. 500 causes you to go into a diabetic coma. Mom was at 480. The last few days have been really hard taking care of her and we attributed her symptoms to her new drugs and chemo which she started last week. All that weakness, endless thirst, and uh.. other things was the diabetes. I think those symptoms actually started, though, a month ago. This is really not going to be fun. :/

Currently: Chatting

Cry Cry Cry

I'm living in gross gross grossness.

Everyday this week will be about getting up early, staying at the hospital or the cancer center for hours and hours, and then gross things. Repeated when necessary.

The following is gross.

Mom has a needle hanging out of her chest. She's not strong and is almost falling down all the time. In my head I keep picturing her falling... forward... moooooaaaaannnnn. I can't stand these stupid thoughts that won't go away. Cry. Plus with the even grosser things that happened last week. Geeyah.

/End gross.

So since I'll be spending five hours in a waiting room tomorrow... minimum... I went and bought the first harry potter book. I know dwaggie will be proud. Haha. *sigh*

Currently: Searching for a charger.

Stuffems

Today... I did lots of stuff. Did lots of stuff yesterday too. :3

I spent the whole of this morning and part of the afternoon in the emergency room with Mom. She tried to sleep in bed for once (after her port replacement surgery last Tuesday) and rolled on it or something. It hurt something fierce (I always end up erasing that common phrase of mine, but I think I'll leave it in this time) and bruised up underneath her stitches. XRays and things told us it was alright and it stopped hurting around noon. We agreed that she should stay in her chair (that chair that helps you stand up and stuff... was grandmothers before she died) until she is completely healed.

Then there was all the other stuff... a jumble of errands and, uh... food. *shrug* I'm worn out. I need a vacation. Haha.

Currently: Studying prayer so I can do it better. XD

The Mega Ultra Life Update Post

... You know, that boring thing people do when they can't or won't blog every week and they have to make sure their friends don't think they're dead or worse... found a life. *shudder*

Firstly, Mom got her biopsy results back and all that extra cancer is still colon cancer. All her doctors are like, huh, what the hey, colon cancer never does this. o_O Yeah, that's comforting. Right now she's hit the peak of her second boost which is very painful. Comes about two weeks after the treatment, same as last month. About every hour, for five to fifteen minutes, her head feels like it will explode. She cries, she screams, she accuses people of not caring (well... I'm not going to pretend to freak out over it. I care, but have you ever seen me be anything but calm? -.-), and it generally just really sucks.

Secondly, the Hot Sauce King almost cut his thumb off last week at work and then quit his job for an unrelated reason. Now that he's back home during the day, life is much more stressful. My brother is a rage machine. He flips a switch and if the light doesn't come on he takes it personal. Slams doors, becomes a pissy two year old, and is impossible to be around. Idiot. And I wish he'd stay away from the durn computer. This box is my life, and he slams the keyboard tray in when his stupidity causes things not to go right. Bends the metal and stuff and I have to beat at it to get back out again.

Thirdly, the county where my dad lives is trying to ban fireworks this year... the year he decided to invest in a fireworks stand.

And lastly... I've been a weirdo. One day I'm crying and want to throw away all my hard work, the next I'm bubbly and happy. And no, I don't suppose it goes along with the release day of my favorite comics. *shifty*

If you want to laugh your rear off, you have to read The Adventures of Dr. McNinja. Read allll of the archives. It won't take that long. It's so good, I've added them to my exclusive links on the sidebar. Hehe. And always, I have to tout Sam and Fuzzy. Me lubbs that insane teddy bear.

I'm also grrring at this here Blogger. They've taken away the option to date blog entries anytime you want. -.- I can make drafts that last a month, but when I finally publish them they show up a month back. That really is irksome. I have to create a whole new post and just paste everything over.

I'm also lamely attempting to bring all of my empty blog accounts together into a MerCave theme... and make something useful out of each. I'm really looking forward to filling up my deviantart account. I don't draw or become creative enough. And maybe one account I can practice my story telling in... or poems. Whatever. It's not like I have time for anything, but I can pretend... and maybe in a year it will all look like a month of business. haha.

And one more thing, I'm about half way through cleaning out the archives of this blog. Deleting comments that don't matter anymore, deleting lame useless or too revealing posts. Etcetera etcetera. When I first started blogging, I had this idea that I was going to be some awesome blogging journalist... then it turned into a popularity contest (though I only really liked two people, one stopped blogging and the other is still in my links :3), then I found something fun to do, made awesome friends there, and use this for... nothing really. So a lot of months are pretty parched of anything, but really... the thing looks a lot cleaner.

And that sums up the last few weeks. How interesting.

Currently: Running off to bed before the sun rises... yikes!

Hehe

Wanna' see Momma?

Here ya' go...



How do you like them apples? *coughimlamecough*

Currently: ebaying

Update On Me Life

I have nothing entertaining to tell at the moment. A little busy lately so a little neglectful. Haven't updated my blog or turned on AIM in days and days. *turns on AIM as she writes this*

I need to update my AIM name on here. It's NOT cinnamonlover anymore... I had that name all of two seconds. haha.

Mom has been going to radiation every week day morning. I stay up late at night and then I have to wake up to drive her there. My new hair cut is a mess. I don't have time to do anything with it before I leave and ALL of my headbands that I like are BROKEN! Don't they make any headbands for adults? Getting off track here. :P Radiation is no big deal. They put her mask on, bolt her down, and then point puple lights at her head for ten minutes. Then she's done. At the moment, she's doing thirteen treatments of whole brain radiation. Then they will make a new mask for her, blend some new scans together, and pin point the bigger lesions. She's on steroids for her swollen brain, and those make her act irrationally. Cursing and breaking glass have occured. Since she found out it was the steroids causing it, she's more aware of herself and isn't acting so mean anymore. Also, she has a spot of cancer on her lung and a spot on her liver. After the radiation they will do biopsies of these and make sure its still collon cancer before treating it with chemo. They flushed her metaport out and it still works fine although they can't draw any blood from it.

Cinnamon has always slept in a cage but now I've got Buster doing it too. He used to sleep with me but I don't want to deal with all his fur anymore or cause mites to invade my new mattress quickly. Neither are allowed in my room. We used to call my room Buster's room since he spent more time in there than I did. Hehe. He's getting older and doesn't have as much control over his business as he used to. The good thing is, he's more excited at night to enter his cage than Cinnamon. All I have to do is tap the cage and say 'bedtime' and he jumps up and runs in. I'm surprised. Hehe. Cinnamon just kinds of hangs back and looks away like, 'hmmm? I didn't hear anything'. She's so silly. I'm also thinking about getting a fifty dollar high pitch noise, dog bark control machine... thing. Life would be much more pleasant if they wouldn't freak out every time someone comes over. Grrr...

If you ever have the opportunity to get Net Zero, don't. You get less than what you pay for. Connection hangs of up to ten minutes happen at the very least, once an hour. Also, they hang up on you four hours on the dot, and if you step away from the computer for fifteen minutes, you'll come back to find it disconnected for 'security' purposes. They always launch IE when you sign on... to their home page. No option to turn that off. (I use Firefox, stupid!). And you have to watch a thirty second commercial that stays on top of everything every time you sign on. Let me tell you, when you are having trouble signing on and have to do so three or so times, those stupid commercials make me want to punch someone. Grrrrrr...

I've got all my inherited red glass collection out. We are going to be spending two hundred dollars to pack it all up good. There are twenty seven dessert dishes, twenty one dinner plates, tons of goblets of all shapes and sizes, pitcher, wine glasses, canisters, bowls, decorative things... just tons of lovely stuff. I'll have to decorate my dining room in red for the rest of my life. Haha!

I think that's it. Nah, but whatever. Zawzy.

Currently: Slaving over massive online projects... cuz' it is oh so fun!

Cleaning Out Za' Closet

Awaiting the arrival of my comfy, twin size, pillow top, bed tomorrow I decided to do some major spring style cleaning of my room. My trash can is filled to the brim with mementos of the past.

I have kept a souvenir from every official boyfriend I've ever had... as early as five years old. The shoe box that held these trinkets gave me a good laugh today... before joining the other junk in the ben out back. Haha. I had a brass bracelet with blackened cats holding hands from my first boyfriend. I was obsessed with cats back then. Haha. My second was two strings of yarn... probably for making those string finger designs or something. A brief fling at daycare while I dated boyfriend #1. LOL! From boyfriend #3 I had a piece of paper with a huge colored rose on it and a poem. Awww. Boyfriend #4 was a autographed school photo. Boyfriend #6 was a napkin from taco bell. Not exactly sure why. o_O. My last boyfriend, Boyfriend #7, was a styrofoam cup with love notes written all over the side... oh, and our engagement ring. Don't worry, it was probably worth about five bucks. Piece of crap. And I dumped him two weeks later. Haha.

Which reminds me... I saw his wife today.

We went up to the Imaging place and picked up Mom's MRIs. Very interesting. I had just been studying sinuses yesterday, so it was really weird to suddenly see all her sinuses and, uh, brains. If you've ever seen an MRI from the top of the head looking down, round about where the eyes are, you'd be going ooooh and aaaaah too. It's really freaky to see white olives floating in front of long muscles floating in front of a brain. Yeah.

So Mom has six identified masses. I could pick out four of them. Over the top of her head towards the right, she has a wide flat mass, very thin but covers a good portion of her brain. On the right side of her head right above her jaw joint (which is why they kept thinking she had TMJ... and why, when her brain would swell, it would push her teeth down) she has one mass that is 1.8cm x 1.6cm. Farther back of that is the largest mass. It's above and behind her right ear. It is 3.6cm x 2.8cm. Yikes. That is huge. :/ And then on the left side of her head, above her left ear, is a mass that is 1.5cm x 1.4cm. It's pretty much all over her brain.

Some time this week she'll start radiation therapy. They doubled the dosage of her swollen brain pills, and she's finally feeling better.

Currently: Playing with gauze.

Sigh

I'm bored. I'm sick.

Nothing new is going on. No reason to update. Cinnamon is cute. The cat gets sick off and on. Mother's been so dizzy that her hand keeps going about five inches left than where she's trying to go... kinda funny watching her try open the fridge door. And that's about it. Yep. What a nice February were having.

Currently: Sighing