Recurring Dreams

I keep having these dreams.

They aren't the same exact dream. Totally different stuff happens each time. But they always begin the same, they always end the same, and they always involve the same place and person. I've had these dreams for almost a year, but they were spaced out. This week, I've woken up from them every single night. It's a little upsetting.

I go to sleep, and then I wake up. I either wake up in my old bedroom at my old house, or I wake up in my Mom's bedroom. When I first wake up, I'm a little disconcerted. I know I live in an apartment across town. My dogs are there. My clothes are there. I need to go take a shower there. Why did I decide to stay at my old house for the night? I should go.

But then my Mom is there. I chat with her like old times. Talking about anything. There's usually a bunch of cats or kitties around. They move about all slowly. If they pass by us or roll onto their backs near us, we'll tickle their bellies or scratch an ear.

I then feel a little guilty for deciding to live on my own all the way across town. And it seems a lot farther away than it really is. I love my apartment, but I need to go soon. I can't leave my dogs there stuck in a cage all morning. Before I go, I ask Mom if she needs anything done. Do I need to bag up some trash? Rake the yard? Does she have any new home improvement projects going on? Last night she wanted to me to help her replant the pear tree.

So I get up out of the bed or couch or wherever I was conversing with Mom. I'll try to do something normal before leaving the room. Something that doesn't quite work out. Like last night I wanted to turn the bedroom lights on. So I go to one corner of the room. I flip some switches. All they do is make multiple fans turn at different speeds. I then put my hand through a door to the bathroom and flip switches there. Same results except this time the bathroom exhaust fan thing turns on and off. I go across the room to a different set of switches. It seems like one row of five switches with clothes hanging on the wall concealing anything above them. All the switches don't work. I lift up the bottom of the clothes and find another row. I flip those. I look up at the ceiling. Instead of one light and two fans like I was suspecting would be up there, there were three fans with lights hanging off of them, and a ton of little spotlights all over the ceiling. Still looking up at the lights, I move my hand higher behind the clothes and find another row. I flip one switch and all the lights come on and then quickly fade off.

My frustration goes away and I look back at Mom. I tell her, "You know, I think we are still dreaming. Do you want to try to wake up?" She smiles at me and nods. I close my eyes and try to move my real body. It works. I jerk myself awake and and I'm back at my apartment. At first, I'm pleased with myself. I was right. We were dreaming. But then I realize with a small shock that Mom is dead. I can never talk about my apartment with her, or have silly philosophical arguments with her, or help her out again. For an instant I want to cry. Then I fully wake up and I'm over it.

I really don't mind having dreams about Mom. I just wish it wouldn't so often be the 'last' dream and that I'd wake up to that shock of her gone. I know I've been missing talking to her more lately which is why I'm prolly dreaming about her more lately, but this is turning into a cycle. My dreams remind me of her which is causing more dreams.

This has really got to stop. :(

Currently: Reading another Jim Butcher book. It's the last one. What am I going to do after I finish it?